I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
