I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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