Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
