Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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