My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize