I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
