I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
