Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
