I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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