My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
