is wine microwaveable?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
