If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
