I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Life is so much better after having sex.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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