weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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