my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
