omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
