why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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