I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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