why didn't you poke me back
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
