My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
