First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
