i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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