Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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