Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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