I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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