Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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