It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
