these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
