She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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