he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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