the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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