toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
