life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
whose parrot is this?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
