I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
