Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
