Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
