How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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