how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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