I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
