I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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