im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
