Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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