if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"