i think my tv is drunk
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
