I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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