sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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