Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
