I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They have beer where we have blood.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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