This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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