Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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