I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i think my cat just said my name.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
