Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
bring money and cleavage
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
