You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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