I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
