Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
