if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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