I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
