Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
