Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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