A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
4 words: hood of his car
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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