I puked a lego.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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