i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
PANTIES FOUND
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