The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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