My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
