First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
